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[03 Dec 2004|04:42pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 good |
] |
shit doesn't roll over.
you roll over in shit.
that's just how it works.
do not stand around, hoping that time will erase the darker things in life. do not parade a false impression of who you are, simply to be accepted. they aren't cadoning your presence, they are giving props to an act that will have to use in order to survive now.
do not put yourself in this position where immorality and lies are the basis of being favored.
make something, even if it's out of nothing. make it. do something for yourself and no one else, but that is not way to lead your life. that leads to the path of narcissism, selfishness, and overestimation of one's use in the world.
do not create a life that you're not willing to live.
do not run from your problems, for those that you run from are not of original actions, but takers on a script that many live by. you run from them and you will be knocked down by them with another face, somewhere else.
give yourself a reason to breathe if living is just not enough.
things will not fix themselves.
grow a backbone. harden those vertabraes in your spine.
take life by the throat and hold it hostage. death will linger farther away than it once did before you grew. grew as a person, grew as a new.
i don't listen to posicore so shut the fuck up.
i am merely saying what comes to mind.
everything happens for a reason, and if you are optimist, this is a good thing. if you are on the other side of the spectrum, it's anything but that.
do something.
your flaws will not dissapear over time.
if you feel you're fat and aren't comfortable with that; work out and/or eat healthy.
if you feel you are too scrawny and are not comfortable with this either; work out and add another meal to your daily routine.
if you feel you have anything wrong with you and you are not comfortable with it; do something. being insecure with yourself will lead to a life, lesser lived.
doing something will involve effort, but the end result will lead you to live a fuller life, but don't forget your roots. do not forget those who loved you even when you were insecure, because those are the people who loved you no matter what. those are the people who are true friends. those that come after will remain only second best to those before. only second best.
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| save it for the fight. |
[20 Nov 2004|12:52am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 annoyed |
] |
i'm shrinking.
cool right?
not really.
since i've ordered a dozen medium shirts and the ones i have now are baggy for some astrange reason.
i'm a fucking 32 in waist now.
shit.
losing weight is gonna cost you money whether you're enrolled in a plan or not.
nice fitting clothes to match a slimming body?
not happening right now.
i can't even tell it's happening, but my clothes can.
i took my monroe out.
i took my plugs out. again.
i think i'm done, really.
everything happens for a reason right?
one must think this way otherwise, we will find ourselves asking "why" far too often.
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[13 Nov 2004|03:20pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bitchy |
] |
this shit is getting old really fast.
i got bootlegs of every movie in theatres on dvd except saw, god damnit.
lost my monroe piece. using old for now.
fucking shit.
things feel good right now, but i know they're gonna get shitty, right quick.
fuck it...fuck it.
i say that like i mean it, it's almost funny.
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[11 Nov 2004|10:56pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 depressed |
] |
a constant fucking battle.
this is seriously fucking shitty as shit.
if this shit happens AGAIN tomorrow...
fuck it.
oh yeah, new eljay shit.
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| fuckers. |
[30 Oct 2004|08:22pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
annoyed |
] |
yeah,
what a beautiful fucking day it was and what a nice humid night it is.
bullshit.
working to close tonight, this is my lunch break.
till eleven from working since three isn't bad hours.
wish it wasn't my hours for today.
so nice and beautiful.
stuck inside zone recovering, downstocking and tending to people's problems.
ugh.
don't listen to buryyourdead for more than three songs or you will want be such a fucking tough guy, it's not even funny. you'll begin to think camo is a good idea. boo to that. boo.
nothing against camo kids. it's just not my thang. yet.
yeah, i want to be so0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o mosh now. hah.
buryyourdead pumps me up.
reminds me of when hatebreed used to be cool.
naming every song on a cd after tom cruise movies. genius.
lol, i'm actually infatuated with a band again. sweet.
permanently pumped.
awesome.
tomorrow is halloween...sweet.
i can see new onbrokenwings sounding like buryyourdead, i can see it.
new from autumn to ashes is gonna be moderately brutal, atleast their new song from it is.
chug chug chug.
meh.
thirty minutes into my lunch break.
gonna do something.
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| wow. |
[29 Oct 2004|04:59pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 creative |
] |
yeah, haven't updated in a long time.
but if i jinx myself, i jinx myself.
i'm working at lowe's and wow, i think i kinda like it.
the pay is good.
the work isn't bad.
i know everyone high up, some even corporate.
the people are decent to moderately rad.
it's good.
i don't know, i say this a lot but things are getting better.
a slow progression.
why does it take everything so long to get good and can be brought down pass the level of failure before in the blink of an eye, or an action just as simple. a comment, even.
happiness is a fragile thing.
bought my new light fixture, plants and terrarium. plants got here eons ago and fixture and terrarium have yet to be scene.
you can have the earring the size of a dime at lowe's.
so now i am guaged again, 0ga that is. probably 00ga tomorrow night. i never knew how big a dime was until i compared it my plugs.
yeah, plugs are not acceptable at lowe's but earrings are and if you are like me and buy a lot of diamond plugs and clear silicone o-rings to match, then you're set. maybe they accept plugs, i doubt they think a giant, vivid hole in your ear is decent though...so i doubt it.
hurray for money.
today is payday and well, i only got paid for my first week of work and my orientation days and hot...damn. anyway, things will be cool tonight, if they go as spurratically planned. yeah, redundent. bitch. shut up.
i don't think i give a shit anymore, frankly. in a good way, not a adolescent rebellion sort of way. never really got into that. some may think i did, but my past fashion disasters were the 'cool' thing at the time with the 'cool' kids and i am a social fuck who conformed to disconformity. hah. but yeah, i don't care anymore. high school is for pussies.
i need to get to working on my diploma for web site design, i have been slacking since i've been working full-time. i need to work on my novel, but i am too busy being careless to care. being cynical throughout my teenage years is not a sign of maturity, but an act of immaturity as to be skeptical with every word an able mouth i know, says. pretty fucking stupid but i know i'm right most of the time. i know i am.
i'll save being cynical for a while. maybe not though. whatever.
i like old 'it dies today'. i don't care if anyone else doesn't.
i like all else failed too. same as the above.
i like as the sun sets more than daughters. same as the above.
(see info on more bands i enjoy)
hmmm, i got some things to do.
yep.
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[12 Oct 2004|04:49pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 awake |
] |
well, nine-hour orientation tomorrow and the next day.
i recall once saying:
"i want to be a novelist.
i want to make this interprise thing happen.
i want to get a daytime job.
i want to make something of myself.
i will. damnit."
well, let's see where i stand as of now that time has passed since that last statement.
"i want to be a novelist."
honestly, i am doing nothing about that right now but brain-storming exactly where i want this freshmen attempt to go. i have not put any written words to these thoughts in a while. but in all seriousness, when this is said and done...it will probably the best thing i have done with myself. seriously.
"i want to make this interprise thing happen."
yeah, there has been some efforts pressed forward with that. however, making an easy-to-edit layout and that is not only convienent for me but for navigation and engine spiders to crawl is something that will take time. not to mention, proper funds to contribute to this project. when it is all said and done though, it will be hardly worth the effort but atleast i will have done something not many will ever do with their lives and that's have their own interprise of online stores. hardly an accomplishment to some, but it will happen and who knows, perhaps the effort will pay off, especially if the electronic wholesale is extremely low. then maybe, who knows?
"i want to get a daytime job."
well, let's edit this.
"i want a dayime job."
now, let's replace the dashed through words with relevant ones.
"i got a full-time job."
yes, i will be working at lowe's for a little over nine dollars an hour on a fourty hours a week basis with great possibilities of overtime and promotion. this is the base on which all my other goals will occur on. my constant feed of money, seven-hundred and twenty dollars every other week, meaning, three hundred and sixty a week. this will fund my interprise and give me the financial viability for me to buy things i want for her, things for myself and savings.
"i want to make something of myself."
well, i haven't done that yet but atleast i have goals and the ambition to strive and achieve them. i feel i am a better person than i was when i first started this eljay. but then again, that's all in perception, but my perception is all that matters and maybe kelly's, but i much rather be happy with myself than trying to please everyone else. does being a better person mean being more selfish? is ambition really just a nice way of saying, "i want a reason to act out narcissism?" probably. i want to like myself, i am willing to admit that.
"i will. damnit."
as a beautiful woman once told me, "don't count your chickens before they hatch." well, i know i will make something of myself. whether it be something good or something bad, it will be something. but i say all of this like i got a frequent audience that cares about every single piece of dribble i have to bare. i say a lot of things thinking someone does but ironically, most of the things i say are self-loathing and how nobody cares when really, it doesn't matter. some care, some don't. this is for me, i'll say...not for anyone else.
hmm.
yeah.
done.
|
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| cheers for the whores. |
[07 Oct 2004|04:57pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cynical |
] |
i popped the cork and poured the chardonnay.
one glass to the table, a sip and it's okay.
dry like a western summer heat,
and white like the sands of their numerous beaches.
now why am i sitting here?
obsessing over the things you do.
i still have to remind myself that we are through.
pictures framed in my mind of when he stole that kiss.
there's nothing healthy about this.
you plus him just doesn't make sense.
i need something dryer than dry.
i need chablis or a more parched wine.
i need to forget you and get on with my life.
i need this to dissapear and give someone else a try.
choke on this.
i'm dying tonight in an empty bottle,
it would be several if i made some extra stock runs,
i'm running short on wit but i'll pretend i still got some.
you plus him just doesn't make sense,
he's a liar and you're a lover pretending to be a bitch,
cut the act and come back home,
you're better off in my arms and i'm better off not alone.
maybe someday you'll understand,
these bitter words spoked by a better man.
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| diabolical. |
[26 Sep 2004|11:47am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bored |
] |
hmm...
i think i will be a pizza delivery guy.
i think i want that four grand jaguar.
i think i need my driving history printed out.
i think i am bored.
'tis confirmed.
i am bored.
done.
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| leave suicide to the experts, kids. |
[22 Sep 2004|05:04pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 calm |
] |
yep.
ickerus and nemo have bonded to one another and sleep in the same pouch now.
ickerus is territorial of not only her food dish, but her food dish platform.
so i am gonna have to buy another attachable shelf and put little nemo's food dish there.
so nemo is the calm and lovey one and ickerus is the crazy, yet adorable one.
they're both so terribly cute.
so yeah.
i guess that's all that's new, really.
i suppose that's kinda sad, but i'm not.
i need to go to nova, like soon and enroll for october classes.
i need to get stamps to send out my examination tests for my pcdi course.
i might work at papa john's, but then again, i don't know.
i groomed myself for an hour in the bathroom.
'twas interesting.
i think i am done.
yeah, i'm done.
|
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| ickerus and nemo. |
[19 Sep 2004|08:01pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 content |
] |
well, today was good.
tonight will be better.
me, bryan and purvy went to go get ickerus's new friend, nemo.
he is much smaller and is very cute and lovey.
adorable.
ickerus kept sniffing him and nibbling on his fur.
i made her stop.
she didn't like that.
they are cute, but nemo is scared of her.
understandable as ickerus is uber big compared to him.
and ickerus is pretty damn small.
i hope they get along and nemo stops being so scared in the cage.
i am gonna call kohl's and lowes tomorrow.
might jam with some of my doggs tomorrow too.
should be fun, if anything.
ahh, i don't know.
nemo is sleeping in my pocket right now.
adorable, like i said.
i'm going umm, go now.
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| awesome. |
[18 Sep 2004|01:35am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 drunk |
] |
rad.
drunk.
awesome.
anyway.
so things are cool.
i finished another lesson in my pcdi shit, so only thirteen or so lessons left until i am diploma'ed in web design.
awesome.
so it seems alchohol isn't so bad, afterall. well, i mean, i don't like drinking around dudes. because seriously, i don't know how being drunk and around nothing but guys could be awesome.
that's one thing i can't understand about david, but maybe he just likes to escape through alcohol more than anything else.
alcohol makes me horny and overly honest. so, my drinking group is limited.
very limited.
i wish i could be sleeping right now.
i wish this cigarette would last forever.
i'm totally in need of a job, real fucking bad.
it's like a part of me that's not accomplished and i could do something about it.
the other things have to wait as i cannot make nova start classes any sooner.
i think i am beginning to see what i want to do with my future, and it has a lot to do with my previous recent entries.
"people breathe hope, but choke on success. suffering meaninglessly for self-satisfaction. this is a grueling race for a reason to act out narcissism. throw yourself before the swords of percision and sever your thoughts from your ambitions with the blade of love. drag this endeavor out like an over-played trend but pull it like you mean it. forever means nothing when you have nothing to press forward for."
drunken ditty.
sweet.
i'm gonna start working on my novella again as i feel it has been left unattended to for far too long.
i want to be a novelist.
i want to make this interprise thing happen.
i want to get a daytime job.
i want to make something of myself.
i will. damnit.
done.
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| i'm sorry. |
[17 Sep 2004|03:42am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
annoyed |
] |
yeah, new eljay design.
don't know if it was worth it since during making this shyndyg better, i lost all my overrides in a saving.
that sucked majorly.
so here it is and i am not happy with it.
but i will keep it for the effort.
don't know for how long though.
well, tonight was interesting.
played some mario party four and pwned kelly by two stars.
played a little bit of mario party five then it happened.
my mother did something uber stupid and i lectured her like she was a child.
the thing is, she actually listened.
nonetheless, what she did was childish and in poor taste for others and herself.
so that was an hour of the time i spent with kelly.
being parents.
then i dropped her off so she could rest for work and that's when the actual lecture with my mom took place.
smoking marlboro medium reds.
they suck.
i think i might roll up to the parking lot to my mom's car and get some blue 72s.
maybe then, not being able to sleep would be much more tolerable.
maybe.
so yeah, had a short visit from puvy, pat and tubbs. real short.
and here i am now, two hours later with only this ejay design to show for them.
lame.
that's it, i'm going to the parking lot.
done.
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| bitter words spoken by a better man. |
[16 Sep 2004|07:14pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
creative |
] |
well now.
tank is now full from driving around people all day and getting ciz'ash for gas.
which is grand.
sherwin has yet to call me about anything at all so i am now officially looking for another job since it seems they don't need me enough to give me my fucking hours.
chili's says that i should expect a call in early october and if i don't recieve one, to call them the seventh of that month to see what's up.
lowes has a phone that's always busy, but that's okay. i'm going to keep trying.
i feel okay. my mood, overall, is okay.
ate taco bell with hibbert and jessica last night.
saw brady and rob on the way out.
couldn't stay long or i would be late to tend to binkers.
it's nice seeing their faces again.
i got the bowser board, "bowser's gnarly party" in mario party four last night.
played it with kelly and won by 57 coins.
i ruled it even though she stole one of my stars.
i finished my first lesson and test for my PCDI course, i think i got fourteen to go until i am diploma'ed.
that will be cool.
i like making resumés. i don't know why.
my store is doing horribly bad since i am no longer a sponsored link on google.
but when a job comes, so will HH and me onto the side-bar. w00t.
i will also be opening like three more stores. one specializing in electronics, another in gaming(if electronics store seems well stocked) and whatever else looks like it will sell.
but of course, this will have to wait until i got a job to pay for domain registrations, drop-merchant listings and search engine packages. but when it's all said and done...i will have a terribly decent income coming in.
i'll bust three gmail accounts or one gmail account for all stores, including HH. i'm pretty sure individual e-mail accounts will be made.
so hopefully my whole interprise idea will be online and rocking by 2005.
that would be rad.
i'll probably open up a web/graphics design site as well, since i am so fucking good at it all. seriously.
but that's thinking a little too far ahead.
enrolling in nova like, as soon as my dad's next day off for october classes.
i might be moving out in two months but still stay in stafford.
there's a lot of nothing going on, basically.
with that said...done.
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| disco hades ii, motherfucker. |
[11 Sep 2004|07:36am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
high |
] |
something something.
useless point of view of something that really is nothing.
a point of view turned into a rantation that has gone on for too long.
still going.
stops.
starts another tangent on something completely irrelevant but makes the transition smoothly.
starts to get annoying.
declares that, "no one will understand this post."
he finishes.
he is done.
|
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| gouge your fucking eyes out. |
[05 Sep 2004|02:08pm] |
people take things for granted that they will be deprived of in another future.
people think things that are different are gonna make things "okay".
people think guys are cool when they cheat on a girl they love because she doesn't want to give it up at the age of fourteen. then to cheat on her again, and then finally with one of her best friends. these are the guys that get the chicks.
people think they know a person when all they know is what they here of the script.
people think manipulative liars are something that can be adored over.
fuck you fucking actors.
i am upset.
i am bitter.
i am better.
yeah, i hate this.
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| don't break a sweat trying to draw a tear. |
[04 Sep 2004|12:37am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 crappy |
] |
car in woodbridge.
failed inspection.
why?
wheel locks, and my mom doesn't know where the key is to them.
further more.
fail inspection due to not being able to check rear brakes.
solution?
willing to pay for rear brakes to be fixed if turn out bad.
on the plus, ignition switch has been replaced meaning an easier start and drive.
on the downside, not in a very excited mood.
i hate lonely nights.
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cephalotus's journal
cranky
